In seeking divorce over gun-related violence, Viola Riak tests South Sudan’s justice system

For VIOLA ALUEL IAK, a gender analyst at UNFPA, who has had a gun shot at her – not once – by her husband, 16 days of Activism against GBV offered her a chance to come clean. Riak spoke to AYEN ACHOL DENG at the height of the 16 Days of Activism against GBV

AYEN: Who are you?

RIAK: I am an activist and a feminist. I did my Bachelors of arts in community development in Daystar University, followed by an honors master’s degree in social development at the University of Cape Town. I come from a polygamous family; my mother is the second of 5 wives. Being from a polygamous family has some positives and negatives; my father and mother separated when I was six years. Since then I have been raised by my mother. I owe everything to my mother. I am a mother of three beautiful children, two girls and one boy.  My oldest is 17, she is actually doing her A- levels as we speak, my second born is 8 years and my last son is four. I became a teenage mother at the age of 19.

I am a feminist. Being a feminist fighting for gender equality is challenging; in South Sudan women are discriminated against by men and the men try to undermine and undervalue women. The culture should represent both (genders) and there should be rules in place that bind both (men and women); laws are there, but the people are very much entrenched in culture. Despite the laws that exist. I am optimistic that through the dialogue, gender equality can be achieved.

AYEN: Who is your Role Model?

RIAK: My mother is indeed my role model; she is my ride or die. She is the strongest woman I know. By that time, I was in my second year of undergrad. It wasn’t easy being a mom and being a student but I thank god because I have a very supportive mom. A very supportive mother and I am really greatful that God has blessed me with a strong empowered woman who believes in girl-child education and who did not treat me differently from my brothers. She gave me the same equal opportunities and that is why I am here today.  I made sure I got the degree to make my mother proud. During the liberation struggle my mom was hired by international organizations and did some activism for HIV/ AIDS prevention. That is where I got [my] motivation.

AYEN: How did your mother feel about your pregnancy?

RIAK: Regardless of what has happened, she helped me. At first, she was upset. Later, she had another heart and forgave me and hired a nanny to take care of my child while I went to school, and I will tell you that it wasn’t easy. I used to pump my breast milk so that at least the four or five hours that I would be in class, my child would have breast milk because I believe that breast feeding is the best. It is a starting point for any child’s health. I could pump my breast milk and leave it with the nanny.  The nanny took good care of my baby that is why I was able to finish school.

AYEN: How do you balance your life with work?

RIAK: As a career woman, I balance my work and life by getting help.  I employ people because I am working.  I have a cook and a nanny. I have this job, I finished my education, and I have a master degree. It is a privilege to be working for UNFPA for the last six years. It is important to be professional. Even though your children are sick, you must keep deadlines and keep appointments for meetings, be accountable, and time yourself so that it can give you weight.

AYEN: What advice do you have for women who want to be leaders?

RIAK: To be persistent and be the best at what you do. If one is a medical doctor, a politician, one should earn a qualification and deliver. You can still get a PHD after getting married.

AYEN: What are your last words?

RIAK: In the spirit of 16 days activism, I want to speak not just as an activist, but as a survivor of gender-based violence itself. I have been in an abusive marriage for the last ten years. Why am I saying  this? I have known my spouse for the last 21 years.  I met him in 2001. We dated. I got pregnant and he went to he US. He was away for six good years. We were separated  for a while and when he came back we reconciled and we were married officially through a traditional marriage. But I will tell you, ever since, there have been a number of issues, throughout in my marriage. I have survived domestic violence, and intimate partner violence; these are both physical and emotional abuses. I want to share my story because there is this notion that gender-based violence only affects women who are disempowered or at lower level of education. But gender-based violence does not discriminate.  I am champion issues of gender-based violence in this country, but even I are not any better. I did not live in a home where there is peace. It was violence after violence and I survived it for ten years.  It is not an easy thing to live.

As I speak, I am separated from my husband. He almost killed me in March this year and I looked at myself and I asked myself, why am I doing this? I started questioning myself. And when I left, I told God that when I come out of this, I am not returning back. One, because I felt it was weighing me down.  Marriages are supposed to be unions where couples are supposed to be happy, raise kids in a violent-free environment, but I felt like I was not healthy for myself. It was not even healthy for him. Because at the end if he kills me, he will be put in jail and both kids would not have both parents.  So, I made a decision, that, if it is because I am married to him, that’s what gives him the power to always want to solve any dispute with violence, then I will divorce him, a concept that is very difficult for our communities to understand. As we speak, I am pursuing legal redress.

He is going to remain the father of my kids, because we have three beautiful children. I am at a level right now where I am not angry with him, but I am at a level that I will do anything possible to make sure that I am no longer his wife. And I want to get it through justice. I want to see how our justice system works.  This is a man that has threatened me, not once and not twice, three times and he has shot guns three times.  I want to see what the judiciary is going to do; will I be granted the justice that I want. Or will they deny it. I am optimistic that at the end I will et my right t access to justice. And what I want right now is to be legally divorced from this man. We will still have a relationship because we have children, but I don’t want him anymore as my husband.

DIVORCE? WOMEN ARE AFRAID WHAT SOCIETY WILL SAY

So why am I sharing my story, some people will ask? If we don’t focus on making our homes safe – this is not only because of the case as we, but there are so many cases, there are so many women that are living in abusive marriages, and they are tolerating it because they are afraid what society will say. They are afraid that, if they walk out of marriages, the kids will be taken away from them. They are afraid that if they walk away and they are not educated, that they will not be able to support selves and children. But should marriages be a place where you are not free? Families are the smallest unit. It means that we have to work so hard that we ensure that we at least have that small unit as a peaceful environment, both for the parents themselves and for the children. Look at the children who are raised from abusive marriages, what will be the impact at the end?  I believe children are supposed to be raised by both parents, because both parents are important, they play a very significant role. But when violence kicks in, in my case, and I am going to be divorced from my husband, their father, how will it impact on their father? It will definitely have a very bad impact on their father.  And what has led that to – it has deprived them from waking up and seeing their parents in the morning.

NIGHTMARES FOR CHILDREN

Why do I really want to walk out? My little girl is also stressed. At one point – I will tell you this, I went to visit her in Kampala and, because a couple of years ago the father shot a gun because he was angry with me and when I went to see her at school, she confided in me and told me:

‘Mom, every time I get called, the teacher wants to talk to me about something, maybe because of how my assignments are late, or how my performance, or something with my academic performance, I will panic.” 

And I asked her: Why would you panic?

She said:

‘Mom I been having a lot of nightmares. They are going to break the news that you have been killed by my dad.’

From that moment, Ayen, I realized that something is wrong.

In the end, I am saying, it is because of my kids, because both myself and my children are getting affected.  I went back to her when I made my decision that I am walking away from this marriage and she told me, ‘Mom, this is the best thing you will ever do. Because, sometimes, I have been wondering why it took you so long to realize that this isn’t good for you and it is not good for us. You would rather be and accept that our parents are divorced.”

So, I am still waiting and hopeful that my appeal for divorce will be granted.  It is not the hope of people like me or any other person. But we also have to accept that what can be joined together can also be broken and I wish it can be broken in peace. When we no longer have feelings for each other, or we are no longer ok, or we don’t have a relationship, let’s agree and part ways in a peaceful manner.

But not when you are departing because of physical violence.  We should not reach that level. The same way people got in, we can also go out. It will save children witnessing abuse, homes being broken out of anger. So that’s my story.

PEACE IN COUNTRY WITHOUT PEACE IN FAMILY NOT OK

Gender-based violence is real. Women go through domestic violence; they suffer in silence.  I have seen how women will be battered at night and in the morning, they will put make up to cover up. That’s why the society will keep assuming everything is ok. And when this issue happens, they don’t look at it as a crime. The see it as family issue and needs to be discussed at that level. But I know very well for a fact, as an activist, many women have lost their lives from physical violence, many women have been killed by their spouses, and so this is real. And it needs proper attention. We need to invest in it so that, at least, the next generation – it will create an ample environment for families. So, you can focus on bringing peace to the country and focus on so many things, but then, if families are not in peace then to me, I feel there is an issue. Gender based violence is not connected to people who are poor. You will be surprised, some ministers or Members of Parliament are going through this. It is real and we must all take action, we must really tackle it as an issue in this country, and the time is now.